Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
