Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
