My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
