You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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