I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
