I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
