I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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