Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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