I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
