If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
