the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
His nipple licking is glorious
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
