I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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