So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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