Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
