i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
