The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
