i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
