Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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