Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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