Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
