Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Shame - the story of my life.
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