then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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