so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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