When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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