So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The beer is more important than you right now.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
