It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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