I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
