My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
