If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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