Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
