I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
