I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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