i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
