I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
