I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
