Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
