I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
