I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He kissed a someone with a penis
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
