is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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