And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh god it's open bar.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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