I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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