1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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