I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
