I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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