If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
