i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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