Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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