An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My life is pants optional.
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