im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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