Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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