all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
