New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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