my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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