you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Randomize
