If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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