I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
