He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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