Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
