your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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