I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
